Dear Xavier,

I don't know how to do this. I wish there was some manual that they give us when we're born entitled "How to get over your first love." I wish no one would ever need to feel such pain, of heartbreak and hopelessness. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got here, or where I want to go from here, or how to even begin to take that next step. Fact is, I love you. Fact is, I want to be with you. And I told you that even if it kills me, that I didn't want to lose you. But I did. And over and over again I've been trying so hard to convince myself that you made the right decision, that I made the right decision, that this is right for the both of us...but if it's so right...why does it hurt this much?

One day, I just woke up, and just like that, you weren't a part of my life anymore. A lot like death, only, you're still alive. We're both still alive, living our own separate lives, no longer as witnesses to each other's. And it hurts. So much. And I only wish that our timing was perfect again, I only wish that one day it'll all be okay again, but it's even harder now with a broken heart. How do you make yourself start believing again that there's something better out there for the both of us? How do you convince yourself that what we had was real when it didn't last? How do you move on, step forward, when you don't even know how you got here?

I fell in love with you. Without question. With my whole heart. Every bit of it was real. And I believe that you did too, with me. Only, like you said, "it's different" now. And I want to understand you. And I want to accept all this. And I want to be okay. I just can't wait for the day when such wants become haves. So for now, just for now, I wish you the best in whatever you do. Because I really don't know what else to say or do, and so I wish you the best. I wish that you find what you're looking for, and figure out what you want.

And to thank you, for teaching me "how to love", for showing me "the way to surrender my heart." I couldn't have asked for anyone else but you.

.patches.