RIP Ciniqua and Tommy Boy

"It's never too late to hold on to what's important in your life.
You have to fight for it."

I keep seeing your face. I keep hearing your voice. Every single thing that my eyes focus on, seem to remind me of you somehow. There's laughter somewhere...hidden in this bed of silence, and I hear it even from a distance. I'm not sure what to do with myself from here on out. I don't know what to think, either, because as hard as I try to make myself believe that what happened really happened, I can't seem to get myself to believe the cold truth. I'll say it over and over again in my head...nothing. Not even a single tear. Just silence. I feel robotic. And without feeling...and empty, for this inability to feel and express any emotion.

DABDA.
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
DABDA.

This is my way of coping...by trying to understand why I feel, think, and act the way I am feeling, thinking, acting this very moment. But it only helps for so long. Because after the few minutes you spend trying to figure it all out, you're left with...just that. It doesn't change much of anything. Like finishing a 100-question scantrom exam. After the 100th question, you're done. You can't turn back and try to fix it, you're just done.

I feel like a light switch with an unknown purpose. I keep being flicked on and off, incapable of letting anyone know what's really wrong and what exactly I control. I'm at a loss for words, and actions, and purpose. The story ended too abruptly. They rolled the credits too soon. What happens now? I tell our story. I tell your story. I tell the part of the story when our lives coincided...

---
Dear Tommy,

When I go back to DeKalb tomorrow, the roommates and I are going to sit in the living room, and wait for you to walk right in. You always knocked three times, because I asked you to. You always knocked in general. I'm sorry I was so rude the past few days. I'm not sure what happened to me. It wasn't me, the way I was acting. I got so selfish. I wanted to tell you, I really did, the "perfect time" just didn't seem to exist. Only I didn't realize, I could've made time for a time to be "perfect" to tell you how I felt...about everything...just like that cold night, when I was practically down on my hands and knees, telling you my life story. And you listened to me. You didn't even know me. You were that guy. You were that guy who offered his coat to me during senior prom, only we weren't in high school and we weren't dressed in uncomfortable clothes. It was your GAP hoodie. Dark gray fleece hoody that read GAP in navy blue letters. I recently returned it to you, after the months that I held on to it and wore it right in front of you. I'm sorry it took me so long to return it to you. Truth be told, I secretly didn't want to return it because I loved it. I should've just kept it like you told me to...but I felt bad, of course. You listened to me that night. You ran into me and you followed me, and you walked with me. I didn't ask you to. I remember I kept telling you that I'd be fine and that I just needed to go for a walk by myself. No one knew I left to go for a walk by myself that night. Thank you for walking with me. You saved me, you know that? You saved me that night. It was a turning point of my life and you saved me. What happened after that, wasn't your fault. Thank you. I love you and I will miss you so much.


---
Dear Cindy,

I still don't believe it. I keep hearing you calling me "Monifa!" I still feel like I'm going to see you when you stop by our apartment. Or when I run into you somewhere by Russell wearing (HANDS DOWN) THE COOLEST PURPLE RAIN BOOTS IN TOWN. I really liked them, btw. Before I got to know you I already knew we'd be friends, just because, well Mimi would keep telling me how alike we were...in more ways than one. But you already know I hated you when I saw you in my dorm room with Mimi and having to deal with you guys whispering so I won't get too much into that. I'll never forget that walk though. I don't remember exactly when it was and why we were walking, but I do remember going for a walk, late at night, around campus. More specifically at the lagoon...and the Art building...and in the middle of the woods. I still remember laying in the concrete by the stairs, staring at the stars, just talking about our past, our present...and what lied ahead. I remember we had so much in common. And how we lost Keith when we were trying to scare him. I swear I almost peed in my pants that night. I miss you Cindy Kim. I'm not sure what came over me this past year...this past semester. I guess somehow I felt like, I needed to grow up, and move on...from something I grew to love. I don't know Cindy. Deep down I wish that we'd all go for a walk like that again. It was all so simple. We were all so innocent, and still untouched by the yucky stuff. Something happened and I lost myself. And I knew I was going to get over it, it was just taking a lot longer than I had expected. You never failed to say good night before leaving our apartment, and I love you for that. I miss you. I miss you a lot, I really do. I'm sorry I didn't show it. I love you Ciniqua...I love you for who you are and for who you helped me become. You reminded me of myself...maybe that's why I was so afraid. It was like looking into a mirror. And don't you worry, we've got Cyndi's back. I already told her that we had to build a fort, again. Probably won't be as awesome as yours and Justin's but it'll do the job.
---

Miss and love you both like crazy.